**^&%^$ i can't wait for my vacation.

today i did something stupid at work and i'm still kicking myself about it. i basically let some choice words slip out of my mouth in front of kids, and yeah. i apologized like crazy because I don't want to be one of those people who are disgruntled and awful; the same people I don't like. So, i stepped out of line, and fortunately, the woman who complained was a beautiful, agreeable person, who understood that I was having a bad day.

I feel like I'm always having bad days. I'm not really happy with my life right now; aside from Nick, my friends, when I get to see them. I'm not motivated to do anything as of late. I drove through new brunswick last night after my cousin's birthday and really didn't want to be there. I feel so far away from that life; college and whatnot, but so faraway from anything remotely "adult". I don't know what's going on. All I know is that I'm ready to get out of NJ for a little bit, perhaps collect my thoughts, figure out what's going on, cuddle in the cold weather, and eat lobster. I checked the forecast for Portland and the good news is, no snow! yay!

Not everything has gone to waste though. I started working out a couple of days ago, and already I feel tons better.

So, I've been on a bit of a bender....

A READING BENDER! omgomgomg.

haha. well, not really, but I hadn't finished a book in a couple of months. In fact, the only thing I remember finishing was the graphic novel, The Last Man, #1, which I got for xmas from bryan. It was really good, and g.n. are pretty easy to get through in one sitting. Before that, I read Gabriel Garcis Marquez' Memories of my Meloncholy Whores, which was back when Nick and I started to hang out/dating. I guess with being busy working at a bookstore makes me not want to read a book when I get home (it's kind of like that gyno joke...who wants to see it after it's been in yr face all day long? yeah). I started Heart Is a Lonely Hunter back in the beginning of December, and finally was able to finish it this past monday.

It is an Amazing book. I loved McCullers' prose; somewhat simple and easy to read but so evocative and real. It's a very sad book, all about isolation, dreams lost, and failure. Right now I'm 20 pgs away from finishing Remains of the Day, by Kazuo Ishiguro. I read his latest book this past summer, Never Let Me Go, which I wasn't a fan of. It was one of those books that had a huge build up, then when hit the climax, kind of fell short of my expectations. Esepecially since it was such an interesting, dystopic kind of plot. However, Remains of the Day is a little different. It's about a butler and his recollections of his past employer while visiting the English countryside for the first time (he never really left Darlington Hall, his place of employment). It's also about dignity and the 'old school ' of manners and the proper place for the Help. I like picturing Stevens, the narrarator and main character strolling around the countryside, reiterating the little stories that build up his past employer's character. There's a build-up, because apparently this Lord Darlington wasn't really all great as Stevens has made him out to be, etc etc. I just hope it's not a huge let down.

After Remains...I am going to start Ian McEwan's Saturday. More dark secrets. Hidden Pasts. Stuff....

On another note, I have vacation this time next week (!!!!!). Nick and I are going to brave the cold in Portland...Maine. We're going to eat lobster, go to the art museum, go to the lighthouse that edward hopper used as his inspiration in a couple of his paintings, etc etc. We're staying at this really cute bed and breakfast in the city, and I hope to do some crafty shopping. Exciting! I am looking VERY foward to this little excursion. !

Where the EFF is my Feb. issues of Lucky and Domino?!?!

Seriously, I got a frikkin subcription because I love reading these magazines and imagining all the pretty things that maybe in the future I can buy, but how can I drool over a new capiz chandelier or the hottest pair of gold Prada pumps if I don't get the magazines??? I got the special deal where it was both mags for 20 bucks, which is pretty cheap; less than a dollar an issue...but nooooo.

Speaking of magazines, where is my Food and Wine ANNND my Martha Stewart Living?? I need to get my glossy, irrelevent reading on...

In other litereary news, I picked up Heart Is a Lonely Hunter and am making my way through it. I hope to finish it by the end of the month, so I can say I finished a book already. Lately, i have been on a cookbooks Binge-fest, therefore not really reading, but imagining the tantalizing recipes I could possibly make, if only I had other people to cook for or was hosting a fancy event to serve my dishes. Weeelll, I cook for Nick on a frequent basis, and he's a fan, but otherwise, no one else. My mom cooks her own food, and usually doesn't eat my stuff, just cos there is all that already-made food. AHHHH.

My mom. Tonight when I got home from work she was in super nag-you-even-though-you-just-got-in-and-are-probably-very-tired mood. Nothing too serious:

- asking the whereabouts of my boyfriend last time he slept over. Nick works by me, and sometimes it's just easier if we're hanging out that he spends the night either on the numerous couches in my house or in the guest room and go to work the next morning. :You sure he didn't sleep in your room? His coat was downstairs. Do you sleep with him? (Ummm, what do you mean, mom? Like lay together in the same bed? Or like penis-in-vagina?) You can tell me. (No, I can't. Well, maybe in a couple of months, when you sort of realize I'm 24 and not a child. Not like writing this up in my blog is childish in any way. )

-"I looked in the paper today for some jobs for you....look, one is in customer relations...and the other is a personal assistant". AHHHH!!! I don't think I can be content with being a secretary or a personal assistant. I did a stint in it, and I didn't like it. I'd rather be working on something...I don't know how to explain it, but Mom, I'm working on it...

-"You should see if jen's mom wants to throw the wedding shower. IT's just going to be too much responsiblity if you and your friends do it....you and her friends should all split her cost when you have the bachelorette party (yes, I know)....(in regards to booking a hotel room the night after the wedding/reception) oh they opened a Residence Inn by The Manor? That'll be okay...you and all your friends could just split a suite (yeah, I don't think that'll jive well with me, Nick, Megha, Ryan, Judi, her date, Wendy, her man, etc etc etc...yeeeeah)....How are you going to get your hair done? (geez, I have no clue).

oh, and of course...

-"Oh, and what do you plan on doing with yr life?"

!!! However, I decided I'm going to bring her to afternoon tea, one of these days at this place called Tea WIth An Accent in Yardley, PA. My co-worker was telling me about it. They serve you tea sandwiches, mini desserts, soup, etc. Apparently, it's decked out Laura-Ashley, Shabby Chic, and there's a gift shop where you can buy teacup pendants strung on grosgrain ribbon and other useless stuff, that me and mom will probably end up buying a lot of. It's funny how we're so much alike, though.....of course.

-I feel like I'm getting sick. Had a couple of nasty airbournes...feel somewhat better.
-Bought some Bean-o for effing 11.00 and it only sort of works. I'm sure you guys needed to know I'm particularly gasy as of late (too many vegetables. Gaseous star, as megha would call me)
+I bought Elinor Klievas' Big Fat Cookies for 3.00 at work today. Normally 17, but it was one of those rare good bargain books.
-Not like I'll be making cookies any time soon- there's too much food in the frikkin' house.
+My ing.com account finally was confirmable. Yay for savings.
+I put up seven dvds to sell on Sunday, and today I went to the P.O. to send 5 that sold. Yay! I love extra money.
-I need to get rid of more shit
-Talked to Nisha last night for a long overdue phone date. I miss that chick. We talked mostly of dieting/losing weight/gettin' fit. I really ought to go out to California and visit her.
-/+Saw a job position at Holzbrink(?) publishing in sales. Gives me hope.
+Some ice cream place in Boston makes Sam Adams flavored ice cream. I'm not sure if that's actually a plus.


blah blah blah.

here's my obligatory new year's post....a few days late.


-So, another year has come down to unleash it's wrath upon us. Yay. I have the same old resolutions, and maybe this time I will keep some of them:


1. Lose weight.
Well, I've been doing okay with this. I dropped 15 lbs throughout the year due to stress, freakin', and the whole "My stomach feels like a giant knot because I don't know what to do about Gary or Patrick or my life, so all I'm going to do is drink venti iced non-fat caramel machiattos, smoke cigarettes, and get fishbowls at Stuff Yer Face" period i went through back in May. I'm getting better now; I'm considering adding yoga and exercise so I drop weight properly, all while gettin' fit n' shit. Though, I'm becoming more of a cook, I'm not going overboard with the crazy-bad-for you cuisine, and if anything it's better for me, rather than eating out and I can control the way my food is prepared. I just have to remember not to be all "creme-brulee-every-day" just because I have an awesome kitchen torch.

2. Quit smoking.
crap. I said I was going to quit back in november bc it would the 5 year anniversary since I picked up the awful, wallet-draining-stinky habit. But alas, I am still smoking. I've been successful this week with not smoking as much, due to the fact that my wisdom teeth on my left side are compacted with my normal teeth causing great pain. I plan to get them pulled asap, so maybe while I'm doped up on codeine, I can drop the habit once and for all.

3. Get fit.
This coincides with #1 (duh). But lately, especially being at work, I feel like my body is deteriorating. My back hurts every day (esp in the morning, as I sleep rather funny), I'm always craking my neck, and sometimes my joints just hurt for no reason. Perhaps my body is sending me a message: get in shape, bitch, or ELSE! Nick bought me a yoga mat, and I guess I can start the strip aerobics again. Oh, and there's that eliptical machine that's currently being used as a coat rack in the family room. Sigh. My ideal plan is to get up earlier each day and just do something for a 1/2 hour in the morning. I shall start that soon.

4. Get a new g-damned job.
The holidays have killed me, and I'm the point where i enter the store and I want to crawl under my FOS cart and hide. Frontlist makes me want to throw up, and I only like days when I am workgin 7 to 3, or 8-4. I hate the fact that I work late 2 days out of the week, and dammit, I need to make more money. For serious, guys. Wish me luck.

5. Um, save money.
Yeah. Whenver williams-sonoma decides to pay me, I'm going to start on that. I've opened up an ing.com saving thingie. Too bad there's no money in it yet. This will get easier if number 4 happens (the sooner the betteR).

6. Better myself/miscellaneous.
I have too many books that I haven't read. I've forgotten what umlats and proper grammar are. Spelling's atrocious. ANNND I had to ask Nick how the 3 branches of the government worked today. I've resolved to do a crossword puzzle a day, read something (anything, but preferably, something containing information that I can use when applying to grad-school, involved in a dinner conversation, or asking myself questions that I would know the answers too just in case I ever was on Jeopardy), each day, and watch the news more often.

7. Craft more.
Shit, I got my new sewing machine, and slowly the inspiration is starting to show. I wanna make aprons! Lots of them. And various cozies. I want to sell my stuff on etsy.com, and wherever, not even as a full blown business, but just to make an extra buck and make pretty things. It's good for the soul.

8. Be a better friend.
i know, I know. I don't call as often, I flake out. A big SORRY. I know I'm a good friend, and even in some circumstances a friend who puts in a lot of effort, where I don't even get a phone call or email to let me know that a package has arrived safe and sound, or what have you (Sorry, just a little vent. I get a little peeved when I dno't get any sort of message that a package i've sent has gotten there. Shit, shipping stuff ain't cheap). But whatever: I'l try my best to call more, to write more, and meet up more often. And when i don't keep my word, call me out, and if anything, give me a chance to explain myself. I'm going to try my best to understand where you're coming from, too. I LOVE my friends, and I know it's hard to KIT nowadays (even with the advent of email, myspace, cell phones, etc), but always know I'm thinking of you. For realz!

9. Do that culture thing.
Go to more museums, dine at nicer places, learn more shit. I guess this goes alone with #6, but it also can go with #8 or 7. I just want to see more of the world, and though I can't afford to go to Paris, Mumbai, Thailand, or Caracas, I guess I should try to do it more in the nearby-sort of way. I am afterall in between philly and nyc, plus there's some stuff to do around here (did someone say Drumthwacket?or rather, do they give tours there?). Yeah. One of my main goals is to learn more abotu food which is attainable seeing as one of my best friends works for food and wine. I want to be a conisseur of something, even if I can't spell it correctly. I plan to sample the world's best chocolate, an expensive hobby, but perhaps someone wants to join? Split a box of fran's from seattle? yes?

10. Stop being such a bitch.
I guess this corresponds to each resolution. Stop being a brat towards my friends, family, and boyfriend. Accept things for the way they are. Don't sweat the small stuff. Keep that temper in check. Don't lash out on unsuspecting books, belongings, loved ones. Stop rolling your eyes at a customer's (stupid) question. Stop putting deragatory adjectives in parantheses. Etc, etc.

Anyhoo, I told myself I wasn't going to write down my resolutions this year, so I guess technically this doesn't count because it's being typed. It's on the record, and feel free to hold me to them. I'll try my best.

In other news, NYE itself was quite hectic and fun. I have pics up in my flickr if interested. I don't feel like typing out the whole experience, but seeing all my friends is always awesome; I am truly grateful* to have you all in my life. It was my first NYE going out to celebrate, and it was a lot of fun, and even better because I got to spend it with Nick. Though we didn't get home until 5:30 am, bc who would've thought it would be that hard to get a cab back to Christopher from the Lower East Side at 3:30 am, and the fact we're abit sniffly from being in the rain all night, it was a fun time.

*for the longest time i was spelling that word 'greatful'. I dont' even know if 'grateful' is how it's spelt correctly, nor do I know if spelt is even really a word. Anyway, I used to spell grateful-greatful, because growing up I adored the Babysitters Club books, and when Claudia Kishi, who was somewhat dumb when it came to matters of spelling, grammar, math, etc (I also liked how Claudia broke that asians-are-supersmart- thing with her whole arty deal) spelled it 'grateful', I just assumed she was making a mistake. Longwinded explanation, I know.