I'm feelin' kind of small and sad today. I can't explain it. I just want to cry, let it allllll out...but I can't. sigh.

BUT. On the brighter side, I got my review at work. I meet all standards. I'm exceptional. They like to give me projects. They notice that I don't mind working in other departments and I'm an expert at info and shelving. Awesome. Now, if only I didn't work there. But I did get the pittance raise promised to me every year. So, yeah. I'm working on my resume tomorrow; let's see how that pans out.

I'm looking WAY foward to this weekend though. I'm possibly having din-din with emily face on friday, then on Saturday, I'm going to Ill-a-Delphia, to visit my girl Megha. Judi is coming with, annnnd our bestie from the South, Steph! YAY! I'm bringing the shirt I can't wear a bra with, yay! It should be fun. I think we're going to partake in some cultural amusements during that day, then party dirty at night, the way we always bring it.

Then another week at work begins. SIGH! But i'm going to schedule some doctor's appointments and study for GREs and what not. Then I think next weekend, me and Nick are going to be arty-farty at the Whitney for an Edward Hopper exhibit and we might go be hip in Park Slope afterwards. If you're a buddy in the city, I may be calling you :) (attn: Q, Meghan, and Tish).

ALSO!!! We finished painting my room today. I'm in LOVE WITH IT. I'm going to take some pictures once everything's done. I'm so excited about it.

oxo

hey hey hey.

some news:

2 new issues of Ratti Pillo:

#2: Ratti Pillo/The Philippines- about my trip to the PI. Includes mini recipe book.
#3: Ratti Pillo/.inbetween.-about my post-collegiate summer

#2 is 2.00/or zine trade//#3 is 1.00/or zine trade

~~~~~~~~~~
anyway, Sunday was Philly Zine Fest. It was a lot of fun. Stephanie came down from NY on Saturday to stay at my house because of our early start on Sunday. We went into princeton for some indian food (yay masala grill!) and felt like grown-ups because we were having fancy food and fancy conversation. I somewhat miss having someone to talk politics and activism with, like I do with Steph. After walking around p-ton and observing the yuppies, we went back to my place, watched Donnie Darko (director's cut, bitches), and put together our zines.

Sunday, we left early and got to the Rotunda by 1030. More tablers came, and we saw familiar zine friends like Meg who runs gladys sells things and her zine I Hear You Like Stories, Elsie from Chinese Sweatshop, and I also saw Jess from In-hope.com, who is a crafter (and a pretty awesome one at that). We actually talked about forming an NJ craft mafia of sorts. She was telling me how well she did at Renegade Craft Fair back in June, and I told her about how my sewing machine broke. It would be cool to have some ladies to craft with, and if anything, on the business aspect of things, have someone split the costs for tabling and advertising-shit gets expensive.

I was able to trade for a lot of stuff, but since I didn't ge tto craft (my sewing machine broke. it's pretty devastating, and I dont know if i'm going to buy a new one or try to get mine fixed again. we'll see) I didn't have a lot of new stuff. So, I didn't make too much on that side. I'm actually just trying to liquidate what I have right now. Maybe I will post some pics up here or whatever. But, I did get a lot of issues of my newest zines, which I'm pretty proud of. They're a little bit more substantial than past ones, and I did work hard on 'em.

Other than that, my plans next are looking for a new job and um grad school fun-time. Yay. I got a lot done today: finished a birthday comic for Tishon, went to the Post Office and sent out amazon stuff I sold, package for Nisha, and other mail, went to the supermarket and bought enough groceries for under 30.00, and painted my nails. I still have work tonight, but I'm feeling good that I did something with my day.

mmmkay bye.

SO....

I posted a free profile on match.com. For shits and giggles, and a particularly boring Friday night. I told myself that I wouldn't sign up for it, just see what goes on in the world of internet dating. In desccribing my online dating venture I've gotten mixed responses- from "Why???" to "It feels weird to me...like they send you a catalog of mens" to "That's cool, see anyone you like". I don't know my whole opinion of it. I mean, I'm pretty sure I can meet mens in the 'real world', but sometimes it's nice to cruise around these sites and see what's out there. Plus, it's always fun writing about yourself (it's my inner narcisist).

Now, on match.com you can't send e-mails or reply to them unless you are a paid member. The only thing you can do is 'send winks'; and say you're not interested or send one back. Okay, so i've gotten a lot of 'winks' (i feel slightly dirty when I say that), and mostly from 36-49 year old guys who are Fugg and stuff, older guys at 30 (some Fugg some not), and like maybe 1-4 who are 25 (i don't remember if they're fugg or not). Maybe like 2 cuties. Anywhoo, I told myself that I would sign up for a trial month period if I got 15 e-mails.

Today, when I opened my gmail....SOMEONE HAS SENT YOU AN EMAIL...this is #15. Oh boy. Now I feel slightly obligated to try it. I mean, part of me is just interested in seeing who email me. Maybe it's the cutie I winked at. Boy, was he cute. He is 26, a documentary film maker, and lives in brooklyn, and apparently an EnrgticTrvlr. Oh, and he kind of looks like a model, like sports, cafes, and intelligent shit like history. Does that even exist?

Sigh. I mean, I haven't been concentrating on my dating life. It's pretty much non-existent, and I don't mind it. I just feel like I should be meeting someone, or something, I dunno. IT's weird. Jen at work told me that someone at work wanted to ask me out. Now, this guy is someone i've known for a while, and I'm no where near attracted to him. HE's a nice guy, don't get me wrong, but he has his issues and I just don't want to deal with that, plus dating a co-worker. I feel that most of my life already revolves around that damn bookstore, and I certainly don't want another relationship to come out of that place.BAH. Where are all my cute computer IT/engineers/curators at?? haha. I need to go live somewhere else, this NJ dating pool is getting stupid and boring.

I'm watching, Tokyo Revealed on the travel channel and I want to move there/live there/whatever. They just had a segment about the fish market in Tokyo, which is the busiest in the world. Now, they're showing a segment about the crazy high tech toilets (people are willing to pay up to 4500 for an amazing toliet! crazy!). They have a ladies toliet, which has a perfume pump and a sound device so you can cover up yr fartin' and poopin'. amazing.

Anyway, another day at work today. It went by quickly. My best friend @ work Jen, is leaving me in 4 days. boohiss. After Philly Zine Fest (quick plug- philadelphiazinefest.com- i will be there!) I'm going to concentrate on getting a new job and grad. school bullshat. I've just been in a good writing mood as of late, and I've written (or almost done with) 2 zines. I need to craft some stuff, so momma can make some money. I made three ipod cozies on friday, and I want to make 22 headbands and maybe 8 more pouches. nothing too fancy- I figure I'm not going to go too overboard because of time. Plus, I think once my life is somewhat settled (or at least when I can find half of my shit. oouf) i can start setting up my ccraft space, pour over those crafting books I've been buying, and be able to do it more after work, or whatever.

Last night was APO alumni jug down at steve's house. It was a lot of fun. I honestly thought it was going to be lame, because there weren't too many people there, and my big didn't end up going, but it turned out to be a crazy night. I drank minimally, just cos I had to drive back up to Princeton, plus there were enough drunkies to keep me entertained. I got to see Marilou, my first little which was awesome because I hadn't seen her since her graduation party back in july. Also, I got to see Fernando, and Dan C G, who are always fun. We had the jug ceremony, drank somemore, hung out, you know. Steve's house was really nice and there was a hottub and a pool. I didn't go in though, cos I fear getting sick (which I'm starting to feel, again! oouf). The power went out at around 130am, apparently someone had a car accident and hit a pole or something. We were out in the boonies, so yeah.

I got a bunch of candle wax all over my pants- i was holding a candle while we were in the dark and didn't realize it was dripping all over me. I got it all out- wet pants in cold water in yr sink or a basin. Boil water and pour it over the wax, it'll melt. Put in washing machine immediately. I felt so adult. haha.

I can't believe how fast time flies. On the end of a very important anniversary, that of 9/11, I am in a sense getting a bit sentimental. I feel like it happened ages ago, just because I feel like I've change sooooooo much since then. Five years ago, I was away from home for the first time, in Providence, RI going into my freshman year at Johnson and Wales. I remember everything about that day; how I thought the girl who came into my class was an idiot because she said a place crashed into the Twin Towers (yeeeaaah okay), the initial shock that I felt when I found out it was true, running back to my dorm to watch the news, not being able to get in touch with my family, wondering if my cousins and my aunt visiting from Seattle were in one of the planes or at the airport or even in the city with my mom that day, and most of all, with all the martial law that was declared, the shut down of all public transportation the thought that I would never be able to go home. You might say that I was overreacting, but seeing as it was my first time away from home, it wasn't certain that I was going to be able to go back to what I was familiar and comfortable with.

Also, I guess the fact that the WTC got hit really struck a chord in me that day. I had grown up in New York practically. It was a part of my childhood, from when we were still living in Queens and my mom would bring me into Manhattan, to the numerous times we had out-of-town family and friends come visit and the required visit to the WTC observation deck. I remember being so scared of heights when I was younger, I wouldn't even press my face up against the glass on the top floor, or even go on the extended landing that let you sit right up against it. By the time I was 10 I knew to take the Newark subway system to Penn Station, and then take the Path to WTC, showing off my navigational skills to one of my aunts who was living with us after an outing to downtown Newark. In high school, the Twin Towers could be seen from Eagle Rock Mountain, where we went to cruise, hang out, make out, and frolick. I remember returning there December of that year and seeing all the memorials left up there, before it became an official memorial. I remembered thinking the skyline looked so empty.

Looking back at that time, I was so young, naive, and just ready to start my life. I look at all the things that has happened to me since then, that's molded me into the adult I am now. When I think about it, I have to laugh about the way I acted, the idiotic (yet funny) things I did, the clothes I wore, and what I thought was cool back then, back in the day! When I think about my brother starting college, it's still weird to think that who I was just five years ago is now somewhat constituted as 'back in the day' (even though it's not but still. haha). I've been really nostalgic ever since graduating college, and I guess it's just natural to think about things like this today. I remember being so ready for life back then, and now...I am, but it's totally different. You're in it for the long haul! It's for real now...and in a sense I guess I do think about the mistakes I have made in the past, and how different my life could have turned out if I did a little better in high school, maybe went to a different school, etc etc. But, I guess dwelling on it is just as bad as regretting all those decisions I made in life. i don't like to live with regret; everything is a lesson, or at least a good story to tell someone.


Meanwhile, I filled out a profile on match.com for shits and giggles, and I find myself checking out my matches and possibly subscribing -you can only check emails if yr a subscribed member. I'm at 8 right now, and maybe if it get up to 15, I'll check it out for a month. I found a couple of hotties who I added to my 'favorites' and that I'm 'compatitble' with. Interesting....

ps: the edit bar doens't come up in my window when i go to write a new posting. does anybody know how to remedy this? i do have a mac if that helps. i'm missing my justification and smaller fonts.

blah. i was going to go to sleep when i got off of work (approx 2 hours ago, midnight) but instead I decided to put artwork on my Ipod, artists a-g. I was going to wait until tomorrow, buuuut bryan told me how to do it and I just got anal about finishing each letter group. oouf. i have so much more to do. it's pretty cool though, cos I have lots of music on my ipod yet, it's just about halfway full. sweet.

today was mommy's bday. we went to friendly's and ate fried things. i'm not used to eating such greasy food so much, my tummy was hurtin' for a little bit, but it was nice to have a family lunch. my dad is impressed regarding my recent acquisions- my computer, printer, camera, and even though i've had it since december my ipod ("oh, you have one of those? wow. is it the same thing as an mp3 player?" oh, daddy). ate a huge sundae. blah!

work was blah. so I have this crush who comes in the cafe to study (i don't know if i mentioned this in an earlier post. it's a recent kind of thing) and i'm pretty sure he came in today, but i didn't know if it was him for a while because he came in sans laptop-the first time i spied him he was behind his computer the whole night. so yeah, i'm pretty sure it was him, i was a little thrown off because when i approached him from behind he didn't look as cute as i remembered. but then i saw him from a different angle and yeah, so I'm pretty sure it's him. Ha. I was able to get a glimpse of the book he was so into; it had some graphs and a bunch of numbers, and he was scribbling down numbers and junk. I hope he's some sort of mathematical genius. A mathematical genius who will sweep me off my book-selling feet and whisk me away into the land of integers and other assorted mathematical figures that i'm not familiar with. sigh. but of course that will never happen, because i will not talk to him, but instead stare at him from various points in the store (info desk, over in bargain, by the new cooking octogon, biography-e-f bay, etc etc) and he will be too buried in his work to even notice. again, sigh. he dresses very well though- good jeans, hoodies, adidas sambas, messanger bag. hullo! part of me wants to roll up on his shit and be like, "hey, i sell books, you read them, lets go out" but then again i don't know how that would go over. i feel that therew ould be some sort of creepiness attributed to the whole situation if i where to go ahead and do that. but then again, i heard a rumor that bookstores are a fabulous place to meet people. as if. he probably has a girlfriend. or not, because um hello he's in a bookstore from 7pm to 11pm. maybe he doesn't even speak english, and then we can just push this silly crush business under the rug. i'm not in the mood to learn another language at the moment.

i had this one customer, some young kid, at least 18 because he had arm tattoos, who was just effing obnoxious. but not to me, just plain obnoxious. to the world. like when we asked him if he needed help (he was looking at the guiness book of world records, the pictorial edition) he answered, "no, i'm just looking at the stupidest people in the world" as in, "the guiness book of world records is full of the stupidest people in the world". well, dude you got some stupid tattoos, and he was just oouf! i guess someone stared at him wrong and made some sort of remark. oouf. sometimes i wonder if i come off as that obnoxious, because i do have my moments. especially at the store. after i showed him where dante's inferno was (apparently, he's just so cool that he can dis record breakers, yet can't find dante on his own? i think we're dealing with a inferior complex problem here), i wondered if, when i made my side remarks, under my breath or kind of snap at my family members when i'm with them in public, people thought the same thing i thought about that kid. oouf. talk about a reality check. i should really try to be more tolerable at work. or, um get a new job.

tomorrow i close again. oouf. and on thursday. blah blah blah.

Happy Labor Day.

I got about four-five hours of sleep the night before and had to go in to work from 9-4. It was a bit busy but it was time and a half. Always a plus. However, the league of customers who frequent the bookstore on Sundays and holidays are in a league of their own. Either it's depressing because they're old, withered bodies, asking you to speak directly into their ears because they can't hear you OR they're super annoying, regardless of age, snippy, ignorant, etc etc.

But you know what the best thing about Labor Day is? The next day all the kids go back to school! YAY! Summer reading is over, and I love the kids who are coming in now, flustered that they didn't think of at least coming in mid-August to pick up Lord of the Flies or Ender's Game and their parents, who like to bitch you out because we're out of Number Devil. A giant FUCK YOU to all, you should've done your reading earlier. I never had any summer reading when I was younger (I did it voluntarily, and it was usually gothic-horror-fluff like VC Andrews. ha. ) and I wish I did because now I'm rediscovering the classics. I'm trying to get through Wuthering Heights right now, and it's going okay. I'm also reading The Autograph Man by Zadie Smith. I decided to take a que from Q, who reads several books at one time. Sometimes I'm in the mood for the moody moors, but today I read about five chapters of Smith. it's pretty good, though I don't understand all of the Jewish references. I have picked up that goyish means gentile. I try.

Last night I went out with some of the members of the closing crew for the usual round of drinks at Fridays (groan). I kind of poured my heart out to Nick unintentionally, moaning about my love life/my susceptibility of falling for dummies/how to meet guys/How do you meet guys?!/and i think the guys I really are attracted to probably think I'm really dumb. He was honest and told me that he had no intelligent advice to give me, but that apparently this is what twentysomething is all about. Great. Oh, well. We ended up laughing about a lot of stuff. I enjoy talking to Nick a lot, he seems very cosmopolitan at times, but very down-to-earth. Nice guy all around. I went home much later than I wanted to, thus the lack of sleep.

After work I took some notes on grad schools and stuff so I could get started looking at that. Blah. I feel very motivated at work to do things like that but the minute I get home, all I want to do is sit around, watch tv, read books that aren't my GRE study guide, and vegetate. Hmpf. i need to get into serious mode soon.

Well, one of my goals this week is to write up issue # 2 of Ratti Pillo. Yeah, I'm finally getting around to it, seeing as that Philly Zine Fest is on the 24th. I am also planning to craft like crazy starting on Friday. ! I'm excited.

Meanwhile, I watching this documentary on TLC about the Dugger family- 16 kids. Crazy. They're like super nice and shit and um tight knit and wear too many long skirts/jumpers kind of family. newborn-17. 2 sets of twins. And they all have names starting with a 'J'. It's a little freakish, but only mildly.

I picked up this book, 20something essays by 20something writers. Aha!

*ps: on my mac, I don't have the edit bar to italicize letters, font, allignment, etc etc. So excuse you know, stuff.

so I haven't updated this piece in while. sigh. Well, I have a new laptop (a perty macbook, glossy, white, beeyootiful!) so I guess I have no excuse now! I want to say that not much has been going on: i had that second job, quit it after two weeks after being so exhausted in the beginning of the week and feeling like I had no time for myself. I'm still at b&n, half hating it, half loving it, yet not being able to really pay bills, save money, do important stuff like that. Oh, well.

On that note, I've been having an overwhelming feeling of fleeing. I need to get out of here: Princeton, NJ, b&n, etc. I spent the last weekend in baltimore-northern virginia and realized that I Loved it. It's enough city for me: bmore, dc but not so overwhelming like New York. It's clean, people seem to be nice, and even though there is suburban sprawl, it's a different kind of sprawl that you find here in central jersey. Northern Jersey is also attractive, but way too expensive. I feel that I can find a job down in DC/B-more with my major, and perhaps go to grad school there. I feel that whatever I'm looking for in my life is not here; I love NJ but I've become too comfortable here I think...It's time to move on and out. So, my gameplan for the next couple of months is studying for the GREs, sending my resume all over the place and becoming wiser about my money. Wish me luck.

Of course, I would miss nj a lot. My family, my friends, my co-workers, and just living here. But, if I do relocate somewhere else I do have a couple of friends there, aaaand it's not that far to drive up 95 to see familiar faces. I'm looking around my room, which is still in a state of 'in-between' because we're building a bookcase and all my stuff is still all over the house, I am yearning for some order, my own space, and um all that stuff. I know there's a lot of work/money/growing up involved, so again I hope this whole feeling is a giant motivator for me to do something with myself.

The summer is coming to an end, and I can't wait. I tire of the weather (even though it's pretty moody out) and ready for long sleeves, cider, and the crunch of leaves under my feet. But, this summer has been amazing and fun. It started off really bumpy, uncertain, and scary. Even over the span of these past months, I feel that I've changed for the better....it's a startling revelation. I still have a lot of growing up to do, but I think I'll be okay. I was so worried about falling into a routine, but I was following a routine anyway when I was back in school- only there were lots of spontaneous actions that made it a little bit more exciting. But, I've come to realize that that special spontaneity can happen- I just have to put myself out there, enjoy the moment, and make it happen. I'm sure that sounded really corny, but whatever.

My summer was pretty amazing: lots of trips, the boys, the dancing, the friends, the good times, my trip to the Philippines, new york, baltimore, etc etc. It was awesome and fun, and I'm looking foward to more fun...and hard work and all that junk. It should be interesting.